Maleficent Descends

"All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” –Walt Disney

I apologize for taking such a long time to write another article. This topic is very difficult for me to talk about, and I was trying to avoid reliving these moments. Thus said, this post is going to have to have a sequel to explain its significance, because otherwise it would take hours to type and read through.

I now present to you the darkest point of my 2015 Disney College Program.

I believe that our Heavenly Father knows and loves us individually. I also believe that he places people, opportunities, and even trials in our lives BECAUSE he knows and loves us individually. He guides us to people or opportunities that will teach us and help us to become better, stronger, and wiser individuals. He also places trials in our lives that will ultimately help us to become better, stronger, and wiser individuals, if we choose to learn from those trials. I don’t know about anyone else, but I personally learn so much more when anything goes wrong in my life than I do when everything goes right.

A friend of mine once told me that the experience and knowledge that we gain from our trials, whether they be minor or severe, makes us more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, this is our ultimate goal.

I will talk more about this in a later post, but for now, here are some basics you need to understand: I don’t have much self-esteem, and what I do have comes mostly from one source—my voice.

My voice is my most prized possession.

It is my closest friend and most trusted companion. I truly feel that the reason that I am often recognized for being so happy all the time is because I sing so often. I believe that my voice gives me my laid back and carefree spirit.

After working a wonderful day as an Attendant before I was trained with the Mouse, I returned home to an empty apartment. I don’t really mind being home alone, in fact, I rather like it sometimes. It gives me a lot of time to think and rest, or sing whatever I want to sing without having to be embarrassed about making mistakes! However, on this particular day, I noticed that my tone was different. It not only sounded different when I sang, but it felt different. I had to try to sing, and it had never been that way before. Suddenly, I was terrified.

I took a break to check on my voice. It just didn’t feel good to sing. Quite frankly, it hurt. I checked everything I could see in the mirror and applied pressure to various points of my neck with my fingertips. Something was definitely wrong.

Resorting to the internet for answers was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I was paranoid. I had to know what was wrong and how I could fix it. If I could fix it. What a terrifying thought that was. “How could I allow this to happen?” I thought. “How could God allow me to injure my voice without warning me first? He knows how important it is to me.” I felt betrayed and isolated. If I lost my voice, I honestly didn’t know what I would do. Why would God take my voice from me—my biggest source of happiness in this life? I AM my voice. Without my voice, what would I be? My mind spun on end with every possible explanation for why my voice could be acting this way. I realized that not only had my acid reflux been especially terrible recently, but I also worked for about 9 hours give or take every day at a job that required me to speak constantly and loudly. I recalled every recent instance that I had sung without warming up, as well as every time that I had cheered or screamed on an attraction or at a show. I collapsed on the floor in tears. God had given me every opportunity to recognize the warnings and put a stop to my bad habits and careless attitude, and I had chosen to disregard them out of pride and ignorance. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have been so careless with my most precious treasure?

I have never cried so hard in my entire life. My carpet and clothing were soaked with tears. I was coughing up every last ounce of energy I had, almost vomiting from pain, grief, worry, and regret. As I lay in my puddle of self-pity in my bedroom with the door closed, my roommate Allison entered the apartment. I was hyperventilating from loneliness and sorrow, longing for someone to simply be in the room, but at the same time, wanting to be alone. I didn’t have the strength to move or think.

I’m so grateful for the kind of friends that will be your voice and strength when you have none. The kind of friends that will make phone calls for you and will do everything they can to make sure you are comfortable. I am also incredibly grateful for home teachers that are more than willing to help out no matter what time it is. The wonderful example of these friends caused me to rethink my definition of true friendship and inspired me to become that kind of friend for others.

As I reflected upon the questions I had asked myself earlier about how God could take my voice away from me, I realized how selfish I was being. Not only was I being selfish in questioning God, but I was also being selfish in the way that I used my voice on a daily basis. I often used my voice to make up for my lack of self-esteem. If people heard me sing, they’d be more likely to think I am worth something, wouldn’t they? My voice would allow them to think I am special and maybe even consider me beautiful.

I was using my voice for my own benefit. My God-given voice. It doesn’t belong to me. It’s a gift. God is letting me borrow it. He wasn’t taking away my voice, but he was taking back His. Suddenly I had an entirely new perspective. How could I dare be upset about God taking back what’s his in the first place? How could I dare use His voice for my own gain? I should be using it for His gain.

Thus said, I shouldn’t be too critical of my voice, because it’s not mine. For example, it’s as if a friend gave me cute shoes for my birthday. If someone were to compliment my shoes, I’d truly accept that compliment, thinking of the wonderful friend that gave them to me. If someone compliments my voice, I should truly accept it and be grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving it to me. I shouldn’t deflect it or think about everything that went wrong in the performance. Wouldn’t that offend God, who gave me my voice?

I also realized that perhaps I was experiencing this trial because God wanted to teach me something. Maybe I was relying too much upon my voice for happiness and comfort when I should be relying upon my Savior and Heavenly Father. My true happiness should come from knowing that I am a daughter of God. It should come through knowing that I can repent and be forgiven of my sins and have true peace in my life through my Savior and his Atonement. It should come through having a strong and healthy relationship with my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ. My source of true happiness should be found in the peace that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings to me.

It was in this moment that I took a two-month fast, if you will, from singing. It was honestly two of the hardest months of my life. Every week that I went to church I ended up bursting into tears simply because I couldn’t sing the Hymns with everyone. I had taken for granted what an incredible thing it is to be able to sing praises to God, especially when an entire congregation is singing together for the same purpose.

Those of you that know me well would probably suggest to just watch Disney movies. Under any other circumstance, that probably would have made me feel just peachy. But I couldn’t sit there and listen to Ariel sing about being a part of that world or Rapunzel singing about finally seeing the light when I wasn’t able to sing about my own dreams! Fortunately, my seedling of obsession (well, it was probably a lot more than a seedling) for Disney’s newest film at the time, Big Hero 6, could still be pursued without giving me a pain in my chest. I didn’t have to sing along to Fall Out Boy’s “Immortals” to feel invincible!! Big Hero 6 seemed to be the only thing that could really make me happy for about a month - which is saying something about a girl who

It was during this dark time in my life that for the second time, I established an unbreakable emotional connection with a character. The first was Snow White (more on this in a later post), the second: Hiro Hamada.

***MAJOR SPOILER ALERT***DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN BIG HERO 6***

I have so much in common with Hiro, and I never would have realized it if I hadn’t have gone through this trial. Like Hiro, I had a special power. His is his brains, mine is my voice. Like Hiro, I used my voice for my own benefit. Like Hiro, I didn’t even want to go to the college that I’m at now (Brigham Young University) until I had a theatre conference on campus and fell in love with the incredible theatre programs and plentiful opportunities that BYU has to offer (“I have to go here!”). Fortunately I didn’t have to lose a brother, but I could have lost my voice. It takes the loss of Tadashi and Hiro's journey to overcome his sorrow that causes him to realize how he should really use his gift.

It's only when he uses his gift for a cause other than himself that he uses it for "something important." I vowed to do the same with my own gift.

My "superpower."

During this emotionally trying time, I often went to visit Hiro and Baymax in Epcot to get some extra motivation and hope from my newfound idol. I tried to visit at least once a week, schedule permitting. Although I couldn't sing, I found solace in the fact that Hero and his friends could always make me laugh. I found Hiro's story incredibly inspiring, especially how much he had changed and grown after experiencing such a difficult trial himself. He didn't only get stronger - he encouraged others to find the power within them! I wanted to learn to use my gift to help lift others the way that Hiro does.

During one particular interaction, Hiro and I discussed our "superpowers," and when I told him mine was my voice, he said he wanted to hear it. I, only half-joking, told him that I had lost it. I pinky-promised him that when I found it, I would show it to him.

I soon went to the voice doctor who, after some tests and to my great relief, had revealed that my voice wasn't damaged long-term after all. It had just been severely irritated due to frequent acid reflux. This, in addition to a job in which I constantly had to speak - and loudly, at that - was making it so that my voice just couldn't recover each time it was damaged, so it was getting progressively worse and worse. It would take some time, but if treated with care, it would heal.

After about two months of frequent visits with Hiro and Baymax, we had quite the extensive list of inside jokes and fond memories. I brought up the courage to tell Hiro exactly what was going on with my voice and renewed my promise to show him my voice when I had "found it." A month before my program ended and right around the time that Hiro and Baymax were going back to San Fransokyo for school (at the Sanfransokyo Institute of Technology;), my voice was finally healthy enough to sing a little bit, so I actually wrote a song for Hiro to fulfill my promise of showing him my "superpower." It's just a dumb little song that talks about all the fun we had together and showcases some of our inside jokes.

You can watch the video of my performance for Hiro here. I know it's not really audible, and I'm sorry. I'll try to get another recording up sometime. It's just a simple little ukulele melody (I kept it short so I wouldn't take up too much time in the meet-and-greet). The lyrics are as follows:

*************************************

Robots dancing, outfits matching

Pinky promises

Poetry and Chemistry

And color-changing dinosaurs

I don't want to say goodbye

And I

I'm not satisfied

Funny faces, Lego races

Selfie photoshoots

Megabots and lollipops

And three-scoop ice cream cones

I don't want to say goodbye

And I

I'm not satisfied

I don't want to say goodbye

'Cause I

I'm not satisfied

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Not too long after my voice started having troubles, I was trained to work with Mickey at Town Square Theater. It was truly an answer to prayer because I didn't have to speak so loudly anymore. Working with Mickey truly was the greatest thing that happened to me during my program, in more ways than one.

It took my voice just about a year to fully recover, and I am happy to say that most of the time nowadays, my voice is better than ever! I will never take it for granted ever again. The beauty of a fire is that the forest can regrow, oftentimes much healthier and stronger than it was before!

So that's the story of why Hiro Hamada is so important to me, so that you all can hopefully understand my utter obsession with all things Big Hero 6.

Again, sorry this post is so long, I had a lot of material to cover, but I will go more into detail on some of these topics in a later post - coming soon!

Obligatory sentimental bestfriendhood photos (I'm SO GLAD I had PhotoPass!):

Sorry for the leg pop. That's awkward.

Shoutout to Jennifer for making it on the blog (and also for recording the video of me singing to Hiro. You rock and I miss you!)